Posts filed under 'My life'
I was chatting with a friend yesterday about my breakup and he commiserated that, “relationships are hard.” To which I responded, “well, no.” As in that is not how I would characterize my thoughts on what has happened.
He nodded and said, “Yes, but, getting the ingredients right, it’s difficult.” And again I shook my head.
I find distasteful (if understandable) the inclination to imply and assume that a relationship can or ought to be judged by its having ended. Or the associated assumption that a relationship can be measured by its longevity.
I measure my relationships by the amount that we, as a couple, feel we have learned and grown together as a result of the inspiration and support we have offered and shared. Can this be correlated with the length of the relationship itself? Of course. But often it is not. And in fact many relationships that are incredibly long, it could be suggested ought not have been so, by more rational assessments of what it means to be in a good relationship. I consider it natural that just like most people, when I am in certain kinds of relationships I think about things like life-long partnership, raising kids, etc. …but that is not the ultimate goal of the exercise–not by a long stretch.
I do not, in anyway, characterize my current breakup as a loss, or any kind of comment on the glorious and flourishing relationship Gabe and I have shared. I consider it to be incredibly aptly timed, and I am proud of both of us for making the choice that feels right for us in choosing to move on and toward new paths. And I stress that these paths will not be ‘better’ for each of us than what we had when we were together, but might be ‘better’ than where we would end up if we chose to stay together now. Like everything else we have shared this breakup feels like a natural and positive progression, and I pray that our relationship is not ending but growing into something new, a loving friendship, which we will share as each of us moves on to new and exciting things.
Anyway, that’s just my thoughts on the matter, (the ones) which I thought I’d share.
July 26th, 2008
Everybody hates change right? And even if you learn to accept it, and grow with it, every body hates change right?
Which is to say you can approach changes head on, knowing what makes them important, why they are necessary, or positive, but your body is still going to struggle with the change itself. You’re going to be overly tired. You’re going to find sleeping difficult. You’re going to stumble and trip over words just because your brain and your tongue aren’t quite in alignment as your whole body shakes and shifts through the cramps and shivers of change.
That said you’ll come out on the other side. All the stronger if you’ve met the change with your eyes up, and your head tall. Right?
July 24th, 2008
I used to write a lot about seasonal affective disorder. I used to use this blog as a way to explore a mysterious exhaustion turned depression that continued to overpower my winters, and found it served as a release for me but also that others with similar issues found the blog through google searches for things like “hypersomnia” or “S.A.D.” *see what the Canadian Mental Health Association has to say about SAD here.
I haven’t written much about it anymore, because I have, effectively, not dealt with it this year. Or perhaps a more appropriate thing to say might be that I finally did deal with it. And so this post is less a release for me, and more for any people who might stumble across through google still suffering every year as the days get shorter.
First of all, it is true that just about everyone feels a little bit slower, and a little bit less energized in the wintertime–and that’s perfectly normal. What’s not normal is not being able to get out of bed, sleeping 10 to 12 to 14 hours a night, every night, and still finding it necessary to nap, eventually becoming so overwhelmed and depressed that you don’t get out of bed to make food….those things are not okay.
As I wrote about in previous posts, light therapy can be extremely helpful. Traditional Western doctors and psychiatrists can help set you up with light therapy to manage SAD. For me, though, light therapy was not enough. My psychiatrist wanted to see me on anti-depressants, and while there are times when they are necessary, I was convinced that there was an underlying cause to my illness which was not being addressed, and as it turns out I was right.
So what can I suggest that worked?
1. Get on Vitamin D. If you live in Canada you need it for 6 months of the year, whether you suffer from symptoms or not. Vitamin D is something our body gets from exposure to the sun, which we simply can’t get enough of this far north this time of year. Also, sunscreen/block stops the absorption of Vitamin D soooo if you’re as white as I am, and need sunblock then you should probably take Vitamin D in the summer as well: it’s very important for regulating your melatonin system, which helps you to have a natural sleep schedule. Melatonin also works in conjunction with the seratonin system, and symptoms of depression are related to decreased levels of seratonin.
2. Get on a Vitamin B complex of some kind.
3. Consider going to see a Naturopathic Doctor.
With my naturopath I uncovered a number of food sensitivities that I never knew I had. I started as someone ostensibly with no allergies whatsoever, only to discover that gluten, corn, egg and citrus all powerfully affect my skin, digestive system, and most significantly (for me) my moods. A lot of my friends have expressed that they could not give up foods like that, and would rather stay blissfully ignorant of sensitivities. I have to say, I don’t see a single problem in the world with that: as long as you are blissfully ignorant, I was not. I was miserable and committed to finding a solution, so giving up those foods has not really been a big deal.
We (my naturopath and I) combined this with the use of a homeopathic remedy and acupuncture. Each of these were tailored to my specific symptoms for a very individualized treatment. To those skeptics reading: I feel you, 100%. BUT the diet alone was not enough, in November symptoms were starting to show and somehow they went away. I can only describe it as feeling like my body has achieved an important kind of internal balance (which is, quite precisely, the goal of naturopathic medicine). At the end of the day its the effectiveness of any kind of treatment that counts. Which is to say, I don’t know if I understand how these treatments worked, but even if has just been some kind of placebo affect, I’ll take that over seasonal depression.
In my case, I could not afford to see a practicing naturopath but instead saw a 4th year intern at the Canadian College for Naturopathic Medicine. She has been incredible, compassionate and helpful, and every visit is overseen by a registered ND.
Right, well that’s it. May your winters get warmer and more wonderful. I, for one, can’t even express how great it feels to be able to really enjoy the beauty of Canadian winters wholeheartedly again.
February 8th, 2008
For the last few months, Gabe has been complaining from time to time, to anyone who will listen, about the mystery of my pre-sleep energy-surges. And I have to admit, there is a bizarre phenomenon, whereby I am quite often the first person in our house to claim defeat at the end of the day and groggily waddle toward the bathroom to begin the nightly ritual of our house’s toothbrushing parties, but then, as if by magic, as soon as we’re in bed and right before the lights go off I am suddenly completely awake. (Perhaps unfortunately, for him) these are in no way sexual bursts of energy. We’re talking about those moods I get into when I act like a three year old, shooting off incessant questions, or when all else fails and I can’t seem to get attention verbally I just tickle, and tickle, and tickle. Last night the four of us in the house were in Gabe and my room before bed chatting late into the night (presumably because we were bonding with our new roommate) and at about 1am everyone finally climbed back to their beds for sleep and sure enough, as soon as they left I started bouncing about and Gabe looked at my guiltily before admitting, “I feel like I’ve been left with you…” I laughed, painfully hard.
January 9th, 2008
I have changed a lot in the last few years. In little ways, that probably don’t seem to amount to much from the outside, but change my entire experience of living–and as best as I can chalk it up it is simply the growing pains of the tomboy who inevitably grows up into a woman. So what has changed?
I cry more. I scream when I’m startled. I get startled. Bugs scare me. I love small children. My heart stops when I see a newborn baby sleeping. And I have grown to be nostalgic.
I remember 2 short years ago (if that), discussing with a dear friend of mine the idea of having chapters in your life. You know? Sections which open, develop and close. Fully-contained. I used to feel like my life had sections like that–things I had been through and learned from, which I had left behind. Now too much thought about a time in my past and my heart begins to bleed for moments which seem lost.
They say ‘it’s a small world’. And with globalization it’s just getting smaller. But you know what? Japan is just too bloody far away. And a whole year of your life somewhere is a hard thing to have left behind.
I can’t imagine how those people, even just 50 years ago, got on those boats and left Europe and came to this corner of the world knowing they would never have the luxury of looking back. I can’t imagine it for a second. I don’t understand how you can say goodbye to homes of yours, and to the people who have made those homes what they were. I don’t understand how you are supposed to move on.
When did I get to be so bloody emotional?
August 13th, 2007
So what do you do when you wake up from a depression to discover that you are in fact rather unhappy with your life?
You wake up and you realize that you are out of shape, underachieving academically, without employment and have a life absolutely devoid of extra-curricular activity.
What happened to the little girl who showed so much promise? What happened to the precocious teen who had dreams of making a positive difference in the world?
Every good idea, or exciting job, or interesting volunteer work I have become involved in I have given up on, quit, or abandonned. I have lost track of all the interesting academic ideas I swear I use to have. I could not even add 2.50 to a pizza bill of 18.96 tonight because my brain is actually melting from a lack of use.
I try yoga but my body cannot handle that kind of honesty with itself right now. I try prayer but I am stuck in the athiest vaccuum of the secular west where I cannot get my mind invested in a deity but cannot commit my heart to a religious tradition without one.
Last year when I started getting sick I knew something was wrong because everything in my life was right so I should not have been feeling so sick. A year and a half later I am starting to understand how this illness must have gradually morphed itself into a chronic depression for my mother. You try losing 4 months of every year. Watch what happens. Have the same sad tear-filled conversations with your friends over and over again and watch them lose the ability to listen anymore. (Or worse yet sit on the recieving end of their stories without the ability to process them.) Watch what that does to you. Watch your faith in yourself disappear.
Or worse yet wake up and discover that it slipped away in the night.
And then cry.
For the first time in months real tears. Real big sobs not just the hollow moans of depression.
March 28th, 2007
I’ve noticed something recently. When people ask me what I study, I get bashful. I say “Cognitive Science”, and immediately clarify that I mean “psychology and philosophy”. Then, without looking them in the eye, I mutter and stutter something about not being able to get a job when I graduate because I’m unqualified for anything. Tonight I even said in a meek voice, as if asking a question “I think I’m looking to teach?”
I don’t know if it’s something I’ve just started to do, or something I’ve done for a while. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve lived in Japan where you have to be incredibly humble and self-deprecating, or if it’s because my sense of self-worth has taken a blow while I’ve been suffering from depression. …What I do know is that I thought long and hard about what I wanted to study and am very proud of the courses I have taken. I’m happy about what I study… and I’m excited and proud about the idea of being involved in education.
I need to stop waffling when people ask me what I do.
March 11th, 2007
I started yoga again. Every morning in the living room with my roommate. We’ve been easing in toward a real ashtanga practice, and it’s been feeling good.
This morning I didn’t want to do it. Like any other facet of my life these days 97% of my body was just like “meh, fuck it, go lie down”. But I remembered my old yoga teacher saying that what you experience on the mat is a reflection of what you experience in life, and since I knew damn well I could complete a practice, doing so seemed to be a good way of showing my body that I can get past this overpowering feeling of motivational apathy.
But the part of me that gets depressed is actually pretty smart. It can out-smart me (and Gabe, or most of the people trying to talk me into feeling better) 9 times out of 10. And it put up a good fight. Why push through? Why do a practice? Why do something you don’t want to do anyway?
I did the practice. I wish I could say I feel satisfied.
I need something to be inspired about right now. I need a goal that is more concrete than running from Canada and exploring as soon as I finish up here at school. …Because that goal isn’t encouraging. That goal doesn’t have anything to do with me doing well while I’m here.
I’ve found a program, in Guelph of all places, that looks interesting. In their faculty of Family Relations and Applied Nutrition they have some neat looking programs, and one in particular seems to be calling out: Family and Couples Therapy.
Why you might ask? …I have some reasons. Maybe I’ll write about them later.
March 5th, 2007
I love being away. I love new places.
This time ’round I stayed with a cousin who lives in Eastbourne on the Southern coast of England, a place I had never been. It was absolutely gorgeous. The buildings all seemed to be lower, and of more earthy colours, built lining hills and amongst tall trees. I had a sense that ‘civilization’ was more established there than here at home. It seemed to exist in a better harmony with the natural skylines and environment surrounding it.
Maybe that’s just because settlements in England are so much older than the ones here. Maybe it’s because nothing could be more apposed to natural environment than the suburban neighbourhoods I’m used to in North America. Maybe it’s because I always seem to filter my view of other countries through a rosey pink looking-glass.
February 27th, 2007
Winter is finally here in all of its beautiful glory. I hate the short days, and I’m expectantly waiting for March I’ll admit–but the only thing worse than the short days this winter has been that they have been short, grey/green/brown days.
This last week the snow has finally arrived, and the Canadian in me rejoices to look outside and see the sun dancing on the myriad of snowflakes and ice. The Canadian in me doesn’t even mind that lately the sun has been hiding alot because it has meant that I can watch snowflakes floating and blowing in every direction on their way down to coat the ground (much more interesting than watching my professor at the front of the classroom).
Usually I would be nothing but excited to be going somewhere a bit warmer for two weeks, but I have to admit that a tiny bit of my heart is broken to know that during a winter this short I’ll be spending two of the only snow-filled weeks somewhere else (not to mention somewhere that is destined to be grey/green/brown).
…that being said I’m getting extremely excited. 8 days and I’m on a plane. …it’s been too long. Ireland here I come!
February 6th, 2007
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