Archive for March, 2007
So I was at my parents house watching television and this ad came on. At first I thought it was the most brilliant peice of environmental television I had seen in a long time. Was there really an ad out there focusing on the ridiculous nature of having perfectly clean drinking water in our toilets? Who was funding this? Was someone actually putting money toward a long overdue plan to use grey water for such things?
No no. Quite the opposite actually.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRQls4ot3l4]
March 28th, 2007
So what do you do when you wake up from a depression to discover that you are in fact rather unhappy with your life?
You wake up and you realize that you are out of shape, underachieving academically, without employment and have a life absolutely devoid of extra-curricular activity.
What happened to the little girl who showed so much promise? What happened to the precocious teen who had dreams of making a positive difference in the world?
Every good idea, or exciting job, or interesting volunteer work I have become involved in I have given up on, quit, or abandonned. I have lost track of all the interesting academic ideas I swear I use to have. I could not even add 2.50 to a pizza bill of 18.96 tonight because my brain is actually melting from a lack of use.
I try yoga but my body cannot handle that kind of honesty with itself right now. I try prayer but I am stuck in the athiest vaccuum of the secular west where I cannot get my mind invested in a deity but cannot commit my heart to a religious tradition without one.
Last year when I started getting sick I knew something was wrong because everything in my life was right so I should not have been feeling so sick. A year and a half later I am starting to understand how this illness must have gradually morphed itself into a chronic depression for my mother. You try losing 4 months of every year. Watch what happens. Have the same sad tear-filled conversations with your friends over and over again and watch them lose the ability to listen anymore. (Or worse yet sit on the recieving end of their stories without the ability to process them.) Watch what that does to you. Watch your faith in yourself disappear.
Or worse yet wake up and discover that it slipped away in the night.
And then cry.
For the first time in months real tears. Real big sobs not just the hollow moans of depression.
March 28th, 2007
I know you are probably getting tired of me writing about S.A.D. but this should be the last you hear this year (and to be honest, at this point, I think I can honestly say that noone is more sick of seasonal depression than I am.)
As someone who is deeply intrigued by psychology and who has been fundamentally suspicious of psychological medication for years, dealing with this condition has been a fascinating process. Now that we have reached the Spring Equinox this year and the days are officially longer than the nights I have a few reflections on the past year and projections for the future.
Reflections:
1.) This year was not easy, I am not going to lie. Light therapy alone is not enough to make it possible for me to function properly all winter long.
2.) This year was much better than last year. I knew what to expect, and what was going on with my body. My relationships with my friends, roommates and family members all benefitted from a hightened awareness of the circumstances affecting me.
Projections:
1.) I am not ready to give up on living in Canada. I want to keep studying, and Toronto/Montreal are probably the best places for me to do so. I can not (as much as I would love to!) afford to attend Berkely, so I have to let that dream go.
2.) If not in Canada, Europe (most probably Ireland) is the region I really see myself landing, which is no further south so I am going to have to find a way to beat this.
3.) I still remain convinced that medication is not the way to deal with this. They say it would be for only half the year, but these medications breed dependancy, and so I insist that ‘they’ are wrong.
So next year some new plans include:
-Living with my boyfriend (long-distance relationships is enough to make anyone depressed!)
-Spending more time outside in the summer (I read somewhere that the severity of your S.A.D. symptoms is a reflection of the amount of sun you got during the previous summer)
-Going sunny places over the winter months
Alright well, hopefully that is all I will have to say about S.A.D. this year. Thank you to everyone who has stuck by me and put up with my moods and nonsense and the like. Your hugs, and ears, and assistance making food have made all the differance in the world!
March 24th, 2007
There’s nothing quite like Canadians in the ‘First Thaw’ of the year. People poke their heads outside, not quite believing the warmth. The adventurous pull out their walking/running shoes, grab the dog lead and venture out to see if it’s really true. And when they walk by each other, there’s a joyousness they share without words, just with quick happy glances of appreciation– of the sun, the warmth, the ability to leave the layers and the boots at home.
March 13th, 2007
I’ve noticed something recently. When people ask me what I study, I get bashful. I say “Cognitive Science”, and immediately clarify that I mean “psychology and philosophy”. Then, without looking them in the eye, I mutter and stutter something about not being able to get a job when I graduate because I’m unqualified for anything. Tonight I even said in a meek voice, as if asking a question “I think I’m looking to teach?”
I don’t know if it’s something I’ve just started to do, or something I’ve done for a while. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve lived in Japan where you have to be incredibly humble and self-deprecating, or if it’s because my sense of self-worth has taken a blow while I’ve been suffering from depression. …What I do know is that I thought long and hard about what I wanted to study and am very proud of the courses I have taken. I’m happy about what I study… and I’m excited and proud about the idea of being involved in education.
I need to stop waffling when people ask me what I do.
March 11th, 2007
I saw Paolo Nutini live last night. It was awesome, and it really demonstrated (as odd as this may sound) the power of Youtube. See I first heard about Paolo about two months ago when my boyfriend stumbled across this video of his on YouTube…he’d listened to a few songs and said he was brilliant. I’m pretty bad for not actually picking up on trends or things online though…
But then when I was in England my cousin Cath and her husband were telling us all about him, had seen him live, and had his CD. We drove along the coast in East Sussex listening to his music, and I fell madly in love. Then I came home again and I ordered his CD online, and while I waited for it to arrive I played his music over and over on Youtube. And you see it’s not just a few songs people have posted. He has his own page where songs of his are officially posted etc etc.
So anyway, last night, Paolo opened a song by saying, “Hopefully you will hear this on the radio soon. I emphasize ‘hopefully’.” And then he began to sing ‘Last Request’ and we all sang along with him. And when you think about it that’s incredible. He’s from a small town in Scotland. He’s not even on the radio yet, and people know all the words to his songs. That’s a new phenomenon. Because I guarantee not everyone in that building heard about him while they were in England visiting their cousin…people are finding him and falling in love with his stuff over YouTube.
I don’t know a lot about how the music industry used to work. But something tells me this will be an interesting change.
As for his performance: he was wonderful. And it was exciting because this is still new for him…He’d probably never been to Montreal before but he packed out a venue that probably held a few hundred people, and everyone knew all the words to his music…. And while I’m sure having a crowd full of people singing your music to you never gets old, to him it was obviously very new. He would get this gorgeous little smile on his face as if he couldn’t even believe it.
March 9th, 2007
My cousin Jane was telling me that in a documentary on education she saw a class with a young child drawing a picture at the back of the class. The teacher asked the child, “What are you drawing?”
And the girl answered, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher said, “But nobody knows what God looks like…”
“They will in a minute,” the girl responded, and continued drawing.
Try seeing God in everyone. He’s there.
March 7th, 2007
This is me on the edge.
Awake enough to be frustrated that I’m not really awake.
Here enough to know that I’m not really here.
Give me two more weeks. Just two more weeks without messing anything up too badly.
Then give me one more winter here.
One more year to finish this damned degree.
Then, please God, let me move somewhere where the days don’t get so stiflingly short.
March 7th, 2007
I’m really tired of the girls who walk around my campus with hair meticulously styled and coloured, hoop earrings and makeup, with brown winter jackets that have fur linings, and grey sweat pants and “Ug” boots. Are you going clubbing? Are you going to the gym? Are you a Native American? Please decide.
I’m even more tired of the fact that no matter what you wear there’s some statement being made. My winter jacket that I have loved for years began to fall apart and I had to go buy a new one. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want a jacket from any company. I didn’t want 50 other people to be wearing the same jacket as me every day all winter. I no longer even wanted some unique pick from Kensington that said “look at me I’m a unique pick”.
Maybe post-modernism has finally hit my fashion-sense. Maybe I’m just sick of pegging people and of being pegged. Maybe not wanting to choose an outfit is why I don’t leave the house lately.
March 6th, 2007
Paolo Nutini
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swIKGLqIitI]
The most awesome part? I get to see him play on Thursday, in Montreal at La Tulipe. He’s playing in Toronto as well, on Wednesday at the Mod Club–but it’s sold out.
March 5th, 2007
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