Garden of Daisies

3 reasons I will not go on anti-depressants:

December 7th, 2005

1. Steroid vs. exercise analogy
2. Perceptions of ‘normality’
3. Natural selection

In brief, to get everyone up to speed: I’m not O.K. I’m operating on about 6 productive hours a day (9:30am-3:00pm). Outside of those hours, if I can stay awake, I am almost completely incapable of focusing and if stressed in any way am likely to begin to cry. Given that it is exam season at the great and wonderful University of Toronto, this is not boding well.

So, my mom wants me on anti-depressants. I’m not actually frustrated at the suggestion (these days people are going on them for milder situations), I just refuse to do it. And there are 3 main reasons, which I will outline here.

I do this not as some kind of exhibitionist exercise but because these reasons are essential to my beliefs about the mistakes we humans are making in general and that is the kind of thing I wanted to use this blog to explore…

So with no further ado:
1. Steroid vs. Exercise Analogy
The first reason I don’t believe in anti-depressants has a lot to do with the reason I avoid drinking or doing drugs. I believe that our minds are very powerful things that we have not even begun to use to their full potential. Through martial arts, yoga, and meditation (or really any sport or practice pursued at a level reaching meditative states) people are able to fine-tune their mind in all sorts of incredibly powerful ways. I don’t think we need drugs to change the way our brains work (read: the way our brains work (as opposed to minds). As in I believe we can change the real-live grey matter. Our brains are much more plastic than we often realize. Case in point: London cabdrivers have significantly larger hippocampuses than regular people. Why? Because the hippocampus is responsible for temporal knowledge (i.e. location) and London cab drivers must pass a test on the entire layout of the metropolis before getting their license. While they practice, their hippocampus actually grows). I believe we can do that all on our own if we’re willing to pursue other paths (and I worry that consuming drugs in the meantime could hinder that potential).

I bring up the exercise analogy to outline why I would advocate more natural alteration than drugs. I’m sure everyone, without my going in to it, can see the distinction between an athlete who practices rigorously on a daily basis to achieve an optimum performance level and an athlete who uses steroids to achieve a similar effect (or even combines steroids with a rigorous routine, which is often the actual case). One involves learning about and using the natural physiological processes of the human body, and one is about ingesting external chemicals to alter said processes. I don’t like the idea of external chemicals.

Now when fleshing out this idea with my mother she pointed out that there was a very important difference. Mr. Steroid is trying to cheat to get ahead, while Mr. Anti-depressant is generally attempting to alter chemicals in pursuit of a ‘normal’ life. She was completely right. The analogy doesn’t hold true at that level. But that brings me to my second reason…

2. Perceptions of ‘Normality’ (particularly those of a ‘normal life’ in today’s Western societies)
What if our idea of ‘normal’ is all wrong? In fact, I’m quite sure that our idea of normal is all wrong. So why would I ingest chemicals (given my beliefs about drugs) to achieve a life that is currently regarded as normal?

This is where I think it is important that I stress that I have no ill will, or judgement for those who are on antidepressants. For example, my mother, who suffers from a very similar problem to mine (if not exactly the same as mine), went on antidepressants quite a few years ago. She was in her mid-thirties a single-mom not receiving child-support, working fulltime and holding two mortgages. …and she was an awesome mom. My brother and I were raced around South-Western Ontario involved in more extra-curricular activities than most kids could ever dream of. She wanted to be there for her kids, she had responsibilities she needed to take care of, and antidepressants allowing her to ‘lead a normal life’ were the only way she could achieve those tasks and be awake to experience her kids growing up. I have sooooo much respect for her and the things she accomplished during those years all by herself that I can’t even express it. Anyone with goals in the world today that really really matter to them that are being held back by anxiety or mood disorders: there are medications out there that make leading the life you want to live possible. Go for it.

My problem is this: my goal that really really matters to me is seeing us reassess the lives we live and turn to something more natural. I want to see us acknowledge our place as an animal on a suffering planet, wake up to environmental concerns and slip back in tune with nature. I want to see us acknowledge that our material economic concerns are causing us more stress than they are worth, and that we may feel like our lives are easier, but we are dying younger of heart attacks. I want us to slow down. What kind of hypocrite would I be if I went on drugs that went against my body’s natural process to speed myself up to operate in this system I disagree with so completely?

My doctor said maybe it’s about quality, rather than normality…but even still my point stands. My quality of life depends much more on my own peace of mind than on my accomplishments. I would not like to trade good exam marks for a deep feeling of hypocrisy.

I believe very strongly that we’re wrong about what is ‘normal’. …and in my life I want to see that changed. …and you have to be the change you want to see. (…this is the bullet I was talking about biting…that I’m not sure I’m ready for.)

3. Natural Selection

My last reason is slightly (but only very slightly) less idealistic than the first two. I do leave room, in my beliefs for the possibility that I’m pretty much wrong about humans. Maybe there is no God. Maybe there is no purpose to life at all. Maybe we’re not here to accomplish anything or to express anything. Maybe nothing at all hinges on the choices we make. It’s possible that we really are just freak happenstances of biology. But if that’s the case we still have to live. And we have to keep doing it even after we’ve all but destroyed the planet and our economies have collapsed (dark: ya. But I mean come on…look around). ….and in such a situation there would be no drugs. And then what? How would we possibly survive after becoming so dependant on medication?

If we really are just biology…then lets leave it to biology shall we? Let’s stop medicating for chronic diseases (physical or mental), because really it’s messing up natural selection pretty badly. My mom asked what I felt about anti-depressants in the case of someone who’s depressed to the point of being suicidal. My dark (but oddly idealistic) answer? Let them commit suicide*. Same reason I don’t believe in hospitalizing people with terminal illnesses. If we’re sick, to the point of death, let’s accept that, and die (..this sounds scary and dark and twisted because we are so afraid of death in the West today, but really: it’s part of life. It should not be scary). And let’s not stay alive (by virtue of medication) and then have more children, and pass on these defective genes. Because what’s gonna happen when we don’t have drugs anymore?

*Hugely important point: Unlike chronic physical illnesses, I believe that in the case of most mental illnesses a change in lifestyle would be enough to cure the person, or that a change in culture would cure a society of suicides; and I would obviously advocate either or both of those options over mass suicides. Normal people get sad because things aren’t right. It is true that there are cases of people who are chronically depressed, and appear to be sad even when things are O.K, but maybe that’s because they are involved in a lifestyle that is chronically not right. (i.e. maybe right now is my body saying: stop what you’re doing: …stop trying to work, while going to school full-time. you’re a 19-year-old female. That’s not what you were designed for(or maybe not. who knows?))

The image above is called “Pharm-Life” and is the work of Luke Chueh. His paintings, although disturbing are quite beautiful and often contain poignant social commentary.

Entry Filed under: Drug use, Psychology, My life