Archive for November, 2005
This is going to be another post about sleep. I’ve been excited to discover that a few people have actually found my site searching for things like ‘hypersomnia and apathy’, so hopefully if I’m on to something here it could help some other people out too…
I have watched myself go from excessive sleeping, to under-motivated, to damn-near depressed over the last couple of months. As someone interested in psychology and the ins and outs of the human brain, I have to admit it has been a fascinating thing to experiance. I was trying to explain to my mom last night, the sensation of perky-motivated me sitting inside my body, witnissing all of this, feeling trapped and frustrated that I’m unable to stop it…anyway I recently stumbled across (which is to say I found it during my ongoing research on the topic) what is called Seasonal Affective Disorder, and it really has me thinking.
It is basically like an extreme case of the winter blues. It’s like needing to hibernate. It’s needing to sleep more and more as soon as the days start getting shorter and gradually getting down and depressed at your seeming inability to be productive anymore. Like any other form of depression it’s a complicated series of chemical processes gone awry in the brain and for people whom it affects seriously ’snapping out of it’ just isn’t an option.
Once I’d heard about it a number of things started occuring to me:
1. I can trace increased sleeping levels and symptoms of depression during the winter months back as far as I was 15.
2. The first sign of it would have been when I was 12, but I wasn’t keeping a regular journal from 12-15 so I’m not confidant about the years in between.
3. The relationships I have been in that caused me the most strife (aka the ones that left me a wreck) always ended during the winter months. Now that I am thinking about it, there were people I stopped seeing in the summer that were just as important to me but the breakup wasn’t ever as hard…
4. My trip to Florida last Febuary was way more motivating than it should have been.
For the last couple of winters there have been very obvious external reasons for me to blame feeling down on…what is waking me up to the pattern, is that this year there is nothing wrong. For all intents and purposes I am very happy. I’m ecstatic about my job, my school, my house, my friends in Toronto, my relationship with my family….you name it and it’s going well. But I feel like shit. And it’s been getting worse the shorter the days have gotten. Looking back on it I’m starting to think my breakup last New Years shouldn’t have been as serious as it was…I’m thinking I shouldn’t have felt quite as homesick from Japan in January two years ago…I’m thinking I shouldn’t have gotten so emotionally wrapped up in a boy who was clearly preoccupied in my last year of highschool…I’m thinking…and it goes back every year for five years. Summertime I am independant, and giggley and motivated and happy; wintertime I am lethargic, sleepy, depressed and emotionally volatile.
So the good news (I wouldn’t post this if there wasn’t some) is that Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) has what appears to be a ridiculously good form of treatment. It’s called ‘bright light therapy’ and basically it involves sitting infront of a special light for half an hour to three hours every morning. The light simulates the kind of bright light you experiance every day in the summer. This treatment helps get your melatonin and seratonin supplies back on track, and apparently has you feeling more alert in a matter of days. Since the depression associated with SAD is caused by frustration with one’s on lack of motivation, once the lethargy begins to lift the depression also begins to dissipate (usually within a week). Such a quick recovery would help to explain a little bit about why Florida was so amazing for me last Febuary. I went down depressed and dark, and it totally changed me. I came back motivated, picked up a couple of sports. ….a week in a sunny place and I felt like me again…
Anyway…anti-depressants would obviously be a quick pick-me-up but I am adamantly against taking that route, so I am delighted to hear I may not have to battle my doctors on that one. If sitting in front of a light would help my body reregulate its own chemicals in a more functional way I would be huuugely for it.
So. Luckily (I have to admit the horseshoe up my butt comes in handy) one of the Principle Investigators working on the study in the lab where I work happens to be a SAD and sleep disorder expert (really quite the coincidence considering our current study has nothing to do with either field directly)…so I’m to get a referral to him from my GP asap, and we’re going to see what we can figure out.
Some links:
The Seasonal Affective Disorder Association
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): About light, depression & melatonin
November 30th, 2005
This is John Spillane. Actually better yet, this is me meeting John Spillane! If you live in Canada and don’t know me very well chances are you are among the unfortunate people who have not discovered how great he is. He is spectacular.
If however, you do know me well, you’ve probably listened to a number of his albums over the years, and heard his wonderful song “Orca” since I came home from Ireland in September (and laughed uncontrollably)…
So why am I posting about him right now? ‘Cause if you’ve heard of him, and enjoy him you’re gonna go over to the Meteor awards site and vote* him as the best Irish male [music artist].
If you don’t know him, however, you have another mission. First of all go check out the animated video my cousin created for his song “We’re going sailing”.
Then track down more of his music. Listen to it. Fall in love with it. And then head over to the Meteor awards site and vote* for him.
*I tried checking the fine print to see if non-Irish people were allowed to vote for the Meteor competition. Unfortunately contest details were not yet up…so it looks like we’re free to go!
November 28th, 2005
So in the update department, during my waking hours I have been working on perfecting a few things:
1. how to procrastinate
- movies
- lunches out
- long emails to old (or new) friends
- online poker (this one’s new…only just tried it last night…made lots of fake money…)
2. how to complicate things for yourself
- don’t even ask
3. how to run every facet of your life on a little bit too much adrenaline
- i’ve actually found a number of techniques, but most recently I have discovered that sleeping alot 3 days of the week and trying to pack a week’s worth of work into the other 4 days works well! (especially when time is being devoted to #1).
I’m definately feeling excessively frazzled right now. And on that note I’d like to apologize for the fact that the second half of human nature evolution and conciousness hasn’t arrived yet, but it’s important to me that I get it out concisely, and I haven’t had the time to focus on it.
I found out today that my closest friend from Japan (who happens to live in Chihuahua Mexico) will be going back there for a month in June. Can not even express how much I would like to go with her. Between that, my wanting to move to Ireland, and my desire to kick around Thailand and India as soon as I get a chance, I’m really not sure how I’m going to balance my funds and finish my degree in the next couple of years. It’s bound to be an interesting process anyway…
*sigh* I’m still procrastinating. …and really I have a paper I need to write.
I leave you with some lyrics that really struck me today:
I’m leaning on this broken fence between Past and Present tense.
And I’m losing all those stupid games that I swore I’d never play.
But it almost feels okay…
–the weakerthans
November 27th, 2005
OK so…there is still something very seriously wrong. I was unable to function, and was therefore in bed at like 5pm yesterday. I woke up to brush my teeth around 10pm, and then lay in bed for a while with my eyes open, but hadn’t the energy to get up and do anything. I slept again from 11pm to 8:30am
Today (after all that sleep last night) I thought I could finally make it to yoga practice again. I did. It felt really good. That being said, at the very beginning of the poses on the ground I started to feel like I could fall asleep any second (note the distinction between being really tired– ie. this is a hard workout– and the sensation of being right on the edge of sleep).
Since yoga practice (10am) I have accomplished nothing. …well, I’ve cleaned my room and done laundry, but I’ve been unable to open any books to study, work on any papers or even run errands.
My sleeping clinic appointment was on Teusday night, so I should hear back from them sometime next week. I’m not sure even that is all that reassuring though. A name for what is going on won’t help (even if they do have one). …
The thought of doing just about anything and I need to lie down. I lie down, and my legs keep moving because it’s not really that I’m tired (in a ‘wow what a rough day i’m exhausted!” sort of way) I’m just nearly asleep. I lie there and my eyes close. If I open them my head starts to hurt. I feel like I’m melting into the bed. If I try to get up, I feel like I’m being beaten back down.
Can’t concentrate…can’t answer questions with full sentances. …seriously this is way past the point of being ridiculous now.
I’d like 10 packages of energy and motivation stat.
(…please…)
November 25th, 2005
1. One month until Christmas!
2. The snow has arrived (hasn’t been here this early since I was knee-high to a grasshopper!)
3. Less than a month until I leave for Ireland again!
4. I finally made it back to yoga! (after a 2 and a half week sleep-induced hiatus)
My body feels great (yoga), I can tolerate the cold (snow) and I’m starting to get really really excited (Christmas & Ireland).
November 25th, 2005
To start I would like to say that nothing is more discouraging to me than very intelligent cynics. Not even because they are able to talk me out of my beliefs about human nature but because their very existence means we are a long way (generations or even millenia…) from ever being able to band together and realize our potential.
The other night I was visiting my hometown and I was drawn into a discussion with a guy I knew in highschool. I’d never spoken with him that seriously, but did know him well enough to know he would fall into the category of a very intelligent cynic. We ended up in an argument that began with anarchism, quickly progressed to the problem of poverty (first in our own countries then in Africa), then touched on racial struggle in the US, and finally actively analyzed the similarities and differances between Hitler and Jesus. To his credit he could out-do me any day on a test of historical trivia. He was able to recall exact dates and names for historical events in a way I could never hope to. His style of argument, however, was incredably disconcerting. Not only would he refuse to award me points we both knew were valid if I couldn’t come up with a solid historical date (even if he knew exactly the event I was thinking of), the entire bit about Jesus and Hitler was nothing more than an attempt on his part to wind me up into a frenzy trying to defend ‘my savior’ at the expense of rationality. It wasn’t until long after I had successfully communicated the fact that I simply wouldn’t get riled up trying to defend Jesus’ holiness because it wasn’t an idea I was attached to that he finally admitted the whole thing was ridiculous (or rather that no parelells aside from the involvement of Jews in both stories and maybe a Nietzsche’s superman complex could really be drawn).
(to anyone who is relatively versed in philosophy, some help on a particular point would still be appreciated: we covered the fact that i viewed jesus as a human man who was kicking around 2000 years ago, and he viewed him as a mythical figure whose story was very relavent today. i didn’t think it made any sense, given our varying stances to compare jesus to any historical figure since one person would be comparing two historical figures while the other compared a symbol with a historical figure. ….thoughts?)
No matter which topic we were on two things (not unrelated) were very clear to me: 1. He just enjoyed the oppurtunity to try to mess with people’s heads, and 2. He had no faith in the intellectual ability (and thus, overall potential) of humans.
Both sort of made me want to cry. 1. Don’t mess with people. Deal with people openly and honestly or go home. Really.
2. ….*sigh*.
Another friend I know from high school responded to a post I put up a while ago on the fact that it was time to stop dividing ourselves and time to approach the problems facing the world together. He said he understood that it was evolution that made us form alliances and be competitive in the way that we are, and I have to agree with that 100%. It is survival of the fittest that has made us group all together, and be afraid of ‘the other’, both of which lead to nationalism and racism in today’s date. What I refuse to accept as fact is that this part of human nature can be used as defense for the idea that we have no potential to choose to live another way.
Evolution has provided us with far more tools over the past few million years than we currently use very actively. Back in the day it may have been necessary for us to make little armies and compete with each other, but today we have the mental capacity to look at the world we live in, see the destruction that violance and war cause, and choose instead to work together toward solutions to the world’s problems that would benefit all of us. We may well never choose that route, but don’t give me that it’s human nature not to. It’s the biggest, most destructive cop-out I’ve ever heard (…and for the cynics in favour of conspiracy theories among you: it’s exactly what they want you to think ;)).
Over the next day or two I’ll post more about what I think that other option could look like, and the realizations I think we would need to get to before turning that way. …but I need some time to sort me thoughts :P.
November 24th, 2005
A number of board members and professors at highprofile Universities around North America are involved in a single debate: what should undergraduates leave college knowing? Slate magazine has compiled a list of answers from a number of very credible sources. Each one is certainly worth looking at. Their varied natures, however, are testament to the fact that people running universities are a long way from agreeing on anything.
November 22nd, 2005
Music makes me a happy camper, and this week I am going to post about some. When I was away in Montreal I was sitting listening to Gabe mess around on the guitar playing some Dave Matthews Band. I think that instigated a bit of a Dave Matthews kick for me, because I’ve been listening to him all week.
I’m very self-concious about my lack of music ability so I generally avoid commenting on a band’s sound but considering that my friends who listen to Dave Matthews Band are all of the extremely musical persuasion, I feel comfortable saying that they’re quite brilliant. Personally though, it’s the man’s lyrics that I am struck by. He weaves together songs whose lyrics flow smoothly through the music (rather than sounding like they’ve been dropped on top–if that makes any sense) and are comprised of gorgeous poetry.
Everyday is probably his album that I like listening to beginning-to-end the most. There are two songs in particular that I love from a philosophy/way of life perspective. “What You Are“, firstly, is a beautiful call to trust and live life for yourself:
They look straight through me, these eyes
Seeking more wisdom than I have to give away…
Realize, realize what you are…
Don’t you know
When you give life
Then you become what you are?
Don’t trust me
Trust you…
And “Mother Father” is another really great one. “Mother, Father please explain to me why a world so full of mystery…a place so bitter and still so sweet…how this world has come to be” it begins. It goes on to outline some of the darker dichotomies in the world we live in and then goes on to say:
We got the freedom
There’s no God above
And no hell below
Oh, it’s here with us
It’s up to us
To keep afloat
I think it’s this philosophy that I love so much. Athiesm generally frightens me in its tendancy to breed moral and spiritual apathy. But when people can believe in the necessity of our working to make the world a better place without relying on the idea of a God who will punish us if we don’t I find it intensly inspiring.
Personally I do believe in a God. I believe him to be the ultimate realization of, or energy behind creation. I don’t think he is seperate from, or above us, watching down passing judgement on what we do. I don’t even believe he has a seperate will, in the way we think of it. I think instead that it is up to us to use our will to use his energy to guide us to use our gift of life in a beautiful way.
Looking back to “What You Are” there is a line that says, “hoping to God on high is like clinging to straws while drowning. Realize what you are”. It’s not that God isn’t a very real force but using that force, making decisions and taking action…that’s on us. We need to realize our role in the playing out of creation.
…um…so ya.
Right. Back to Dave Matthews.
He’s got a love song or two on the album that I really like as well. Firstly “Fool to Think” is fantastic “Look at me dreaming of you…was I a fool to think, the way you looked at me…I swear you did, but you looked away to quick…was I a fool to think that you would take me home? Was I a fool to think at all?”
Finally “Sleep to Dream Her“, a song about unrequited love is absolutely gorgeous:
I know I’ll miss her later
Wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To twist her arms now
She stares up at the stars when
The stars fell from her hair then
I bent down to collect them
And then she was gone
…yep. Love it.
Really the whole album is great.
Point in case: if you haven’t gotten around to checking them out yet, do so. It’s important ;).
November 19th, 2005
Sooo if you look over at the side there…ya exactly, but lower down, after the links…you’ll see a cartoon.
That is a BifSniff cartoon. You should click on it, and go look at their website which is full of spectacular, although often offbeat cartoons. My absolute favourite is definately the stolen thunder one, although last year’s Christmas one is right up there.
Really you should just go check them out and decide which ones you like best. Then, after realizing how supercool they are, and that Ireland is awesome you should join my ‘move-to-Ireland’ campaign.
That’s right. Cartoons, therefore, move to Ireland. According to my Modes of Reasoning class it’s a perfectly valid argument ;).
That is all.
November 18th, 2005
Some thoughts on courage from Dave Pollard of How to Save the World.
It’s been a source of fascination to me for some time that most of us (not most humans, so much as most humans-with-regular-access-to-the-internet) may never know what it is like to have something to live for. Generally this is labelled as an increased standard of living, but I wonder if we don’t sacrifice an essential part of our humanity for that higher standard. The concept of believing in a cause enough to be willing do die for it lies far outside my frame of understanding. At this stage even the will to risk a comfortable and stable financial position (which is more on track with what Dave Pollard was writing about) is something I’m not sure I have. And what does that say about me? What does it say about all of us, that we can see the problems in the world, and know something must be done but haven’t the will to take those risks?
My source of comfort on this topic is that fact that, as is mentioned in Pollard’s article, “no amount of energy, organization and ingenuity is going to prevent the end of civilization by the end of this century”. In many of our lifetimes we are going to see it get to a stage where “the current pain is high enough that the fear of changing is less than the anguish of not changing”.
We will learn about courage all too soon.
(I’ve had sources of comfort that left me much more comforted)
November 15th, 2005
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